True Thoughts..

I tried to show my unhappiness and not just keep quiet and smiling like last time even though i'm quite sensitive to other people's words so that other people can get to know me better. But, yes, i've achieved that, people do know me better.. But, because i'm too sensitive to words, and when i'm unhappy, i'll be unhappy the whole day, people will find that being with me is not good, because I may be unhappy very quickly, and they do not want to face someone who has a long face. So, now, i have two options: one - i'll go back to last time and act happy even though i'm not, so that at least my friend is happy even though i'm not, or two: I can improve my thinking and be less senstive and think positive etc. Which one do you think i should choose? Some of you may choose the second option.. but it's hard.

What is the definition of a friend?
When i say i 'have' a best friend, does it mean I treated one person as my best friend? Or does it mean one person has treated me as their best friend? Difference is, this kind of things isn't 2 way..

Someone whom you trust? someone who always accompanies you? Or someone you will find when you're unhappy? Someone whom you'll approach only when you need help on something? I find that when you don't trust a person and if the person don't look for you when he or she is sad, but he or she just need an accompaniment, is it still counted? You really need friends just for accompaniment? If I can't help you with a problem, is it helpful or does it make you feel better if i lend a listening ear?
Being with a friend and seeing he or she everyday doesn't mean that the person is your best friend. It's just that because the two friends see each other everyday, they interact more and thus they are naturally close. But whether you treat the person as a best friend because you spend alot of time together still depends on the heart. Truth / facts sometimes really hurts. Something i do for other people, i expect it to be returned, but it can't be. I can't do anything about this, though, just have to do my part well. You know, when you meet up with your best friend everyday, it's like a habit. When you suddenly stop meeting, then you'll feel that there's something wierd.
I've always thought that i'm a good friend to people, because i'll try to help my friends as much as I can. But, this only applies to normal people. I have two best friends - Hubert and Keith. Because of their upbringing etc, they are more mature. They have their own problems while i have mine. But to them, my problems are very childish and small, so they can help me solve. But on the other hand, I can't help them at all. It's kinda sad to see your best friends have problems but all i can do is to give them support and listen to them to make them feel better.. nothing else.
No matter how good a person I am, because I'm not in their situations, I can't really understand their problems and so there'll be some distance between us. Ultimately, our goals, our thoughts and our views are different. What's offending to me, may not be offending to them and vice versa. Can people with different goals, thoughts and views still remain as best friends? Something in my head tells me - no.
It is not my fault for being shallow or dumb or stupid enough not to know my best friends. How am i supposed to know someone if he or she speaks in riddles? or if he or she doesn't show their true emotions? I can't see through their hearts. I feel I'm such a failure as I've known them for 8 months plus and I see them everyday. But, I still don't understand their true emotions and i can't differentiate between when they're truly happy and when they're hiding their unhappiness by smiling. Am i that stupid? or am I that unobservant?
My heart and mind is in a whirle now. I have lots of questions, lots of thoughts, but it's all jumbled up. It's so jumbled up that if you ask me now what i'm unhappy about, my mind is so blank that i can't answer you at all.

I don't wanna keep cheating myself and I have to learn to let go.
I've tried and debated with myself, but i've failed.
It's time to succeed, because best friends don't have to be together everyday to maintain this.
If you feel that being with me will make you unhappy or bored or have problems, please don't look for me.
I'll be more rational and reject in appropriate times..

To Keith:
Thanks so much. I've not had a best friend before and you've been my first one. You like to talk, and i like to listen. I've tried to show how i feel these days, but it doesn't seem to result in anything good. Haha.. You must have had enough of my long faces. Take care k? You have tons of friends. Sometimes, yea, it would be better to look for other friends, guys especially. I can't help you much, really can't help you much except for solid stuff or just giving company etc.. Hai..

To Hubert:
Thanks alot too. You're the first friend who has shown so much concern to me. Thanks. You've helped me alot too, especially when i'm down, you'll always be there to comfort me. Good luck for your studies! =D



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